Heart Reality Check

I am single but happy. It’s nice to think that way and it’s nicer to embrace the thought of it when you realize that you already free yourself and had finally let go of someone you loved deeply. Done with the process of moving on and really feeling the line—“life goes on”.

Only the beauty of the relationship remains now in my heart. I maybe no longer feel the pain not even a mark of it but I haven’t really forgotten the love he brought me and I don’t think I would ever do. It still excites me when I hear his name and when I share with friends our memories together but the hopes are gone. Maybe there’s a little hope remains but something I can already just ignore because it’s too small to be bothered. I sometimes miss him but I no longer long to be with him.

I guess he was the biggest influence that I ever had in my life. Not only how to tie the rubber shoes that is more comfortable for the feet or believes that there’s nothing wrong to have a cold drinks when you have a sore throat. His influences are far more than what I thought—he already conquered my thoughts that suddenly changed my outlook in life. It was like I was colonized by the Italians—invaded the Philippines kind. Before it frustrates me to dream the unbelievable because I am impatient and I wanted change right away only to realize that it’s because my purpose is just to prove him something.

I dated few guys the past months and I must say that it was not so bad at all. There was one who almost caught me again but I realized right away that it isn’t still the one for me. I am more careful this time. I am patiently waiting for “the one” were I no longer need to adjust with the situation or cover up for the complicated matters. I knew it will be him when he is as well ready to love--with no hesitations and with no confusions, without any grudges from his past and with no luggage that I need to carry as well. I just know there is someone out there for me. It may not come in this lifetime but I know it will be worth to wait.

For now I am enjoying my freedom to care just for my own welfare. Well, I’ll be blunt that there were times that I miss the bliss one can give but after awhile it fades so fast too. I am now single by choice. Many people have an unrealistic idea of what to expect in a relationship. They believe that love will create happiness and can vanish problems. Sadness and depression makes you feel empty, that a part of you is missing. That’s why we think that loving can make us happy when it’s actually an unhelpful way to do it. I guess I am fortunate to find the greatest happiness deep within me. To be in love with so many things that I have now and feel love from others as well--unselfish love from my mum and unconditional love from God.

Now I can thank him sincerely for bringing colors into my life. For the influences that I know he’ll be surprised about, for allowing me to truly feel the love before I lost him. Because of him, every choice I made is different and because of that, I am certain now that I lived my life fully. I realized that it doesn’t matter if you only have one day or forever. If not for that moment that I spent with him, If not for that I wouldn’t have known how it was to be loved by him. And whoever I am now and whoever I’ll be in the future, I will still be the best of me for whoever will come along because I already have known how to love completely--because he thought me how. Thanks for all the wonderful moments!